This is hard for me to write. Its amazing how thoughts and decisions can change in just one day. For two months I had been planning on, for the first time in my photography career, to have Christmas Mini Sessions. I believed that if I made the time and put forth all that was needed I could make it happen. You just have to have the drive and determination to get it done. I was excited for this opportunity and could hardly wait for the open door of taking more Portraits. This may not mean a lot to some people. After all, its just pictures to some. But I had to make a decision this very day…to not have any Christmas Mini Sessions this year.
It was all I could do to hold back tears as I went back to my day job to finish out four more hours. I felt great disappointment again. It felt like I have hit yet another brick wall that is forcing me to wait. It drives me crazy that I cannot excel at the pace I desire or accomplish what I wish in the limited time I have every week. I feel like all I do is talk about what I wish to accomplish but when it comes down to it, I end up not going through with it. It feels that there is always something stopping me and discouraging me because I lack in something or I’m just “not ready,” at the time. I shouldn’t be negative but I am just plain sick of it.
Why am I canceling Christmas Mini’s this year? I’ve mentioned before I am working on a house. I have had very little time to devote to it. I have a lot of money I’m about to spend on my house that I have not clue where its going to be coming from. I have to have a day job right now. I cannot let that go. I need money coming in. I need health insurance. I need it to pay for medications and doctor visits. What my job is giving me I very much need despite how much I want to finally let the stress of that job go and live out my dream. I only have two days off a week to do anything and everything. Technically, I only have one day out of the week to use to run errands, make doctor appointments, work on my house with whatever, and so forth. My months are planned at least three months out for me to do whatever it is I need and to plan around Photo Sessions. It is so hard and so tiring. I have stressed over getting ready for Christmas Mini’s. I’m not even close to being ready for them. And because I have so much going on right now I only have one day in November that I can prepare for them and I am being pushed.
There is more to this than the paragraph above. I take very little time for myself. I am rarely alone anymore. I’m not even involved with my church a whole lot because I haven’t the time. And I have to be careful with asking off concerning my job too. I do not spend time investing in people. I never talk to anyone on the phone or go out to lunch with friends. I have more acquaintances than I do close relationships. There are fun activities I would still love to do but never do them. I never go out and have fun. I go to work. I go home. I sleep. Repeat. I’m sure you can sense in your head the words I am typing are of aggravation because I do not want to be like this.
The point is: if I am tense over it, I probably shouldn’t do it. It feels like I have no time to breathe. I have to let something go. This is why I was fighting back tears earlier, because I want to go through with what I started. I want to photograph full time, and make all kinds of special things for people and create cool stuff that makes everybody want more. Not only that, I have already spent a lot of money on Christmas decorations that are now going to be put away and not be used. But according to God, that time is not here yet. It discourages me and I feel held back. Sometimes I feel kicked in the gut and laughed at.
I am still, however, continuing with the Sessions already scheduled for the remaining of the year. Its been a lot of hard work and sleepless nights at times, but I love taking people’s pictures. And I love spending time on each one. It does get tiring, but dreams always are. It is not a clean breeze. Its a continuation of hard work and sometimes more discouragement and then getting back up and starting all over again. Thats just the way it is. I wish I could add Christmas Mini’s to my schedule. But I do feel that it is best because of the of what is going on at this time in my life, Mini’s will have to wait until next year. Maybe then things will be very different. I know I have mentioned to some clients that I was planning Christmas Mini’s. I am very sorry that I won’t be offering this to you. I truly hope that you will understand.
Am I still working on selling my work? The answer is yes. However, I am once again at a stopping point. I cannot move another step until some other things line up where they should be. Yeah…my life feels like a waiting period. But so is yours. I guess God is really stressing that it has got to be at the right time, His time, for everything to be as it should be. If done any other way, it simply would not be incredible.