Confessions Part 2

When Jesus said to His disciples in Matthew 7:7,” Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be open to you,” I don’t believe we can ever fully comprehend on earth just how much of Himself He promises to reveal when we seek Him humbly. Its incredibly massive! I can honestly say through the past two months my relationship with the Lord has grown increasingly and I have witnessed the Lord moving through in my life. Sometimes, I think I am seeking a certain answer in situations that I may not understand. However, always in the end of things, I am never seeking an answer, but rather seeking God as Himself. I say this first to lead to what I am about to say next:

In my previous blog post, I confessed to the stirring of my heart and a call I believed to be from the Lord. That call I believe still stands, but it has not come about as I had hoped it would. I have faced some disappointments, brick walls, and a lot of discouragement. It has almost felt as though maybe what I was hearing from God was wrong. I have been in this position one too many times. However, in times that I may not understand, the Lord loves me. He will never lead me where I am not ready, or able to do. He is not only protecting me, but also preparing me for when I am ready for what comes next. As a believer, I must trust God in all of this. And as always, part of preparation is waiting on Him.

God has opened my eyes to many area’s of my heart that I was unaware of and in question. Without going into detail, He as made aware of brokenness from the past ( a lot of brick walls and let downs ) that was preventing me from moving forward. The stirring was there when I asked God, “Show me what is going on inside of me,” and almost instantly He responded. I sat in silence and felt God remind me of things I had forgotten, and how I needed to right then and there tell Him in my own words everything. And thats what I did. Afterwards, I felt freedom, and no longer fear of hitting another closed door or another brick wall. Whatever God wants, I am up for it, even if my dreams never come true. Obedience is key, even in places we may not want to be in our lives. Romans 4:19-20.

Its 11 o’clock at night as I write this. I had no intention on writing another blog for a while until some ofter things were to be worked out. Many of them I am not ready to reveal, but this has been on my mind tonight. I have prayed about this more tonight. The desires and drive that I have, are they also God’s? Are my desires that He has given me, to live out and do, or is there some other calling He really wants me to focus on? Because out of nowhere there has been a lot of change, and I am seeking clarity.

I did something tonight I almost promised I’d never do: Six years ago, at one time I had a little camcorder. I recorded video’s and took pictures of events for a local church. I would add pictures, music and sound effects to make it amusing and what I’d call “exciting” in my eyes back then. Tonight after having my quiet time, I looked across my room at a clear case that holds all my DVD’s, and saw the cases of those old church videos. For some reason, I decided to watch all of them, six years later. The reason I almost promised to never look at those videos again is #1: I never look at old stuff I created in the past, because I want to advance forward. And seeing videos and pictures that I took back then now makes me think, “Why in the world did I think that was any good?” Because trust me, it was TERRIBLE! If only I knew back then what I know now! And #2: Those videos leave a scar on my heart, and a memory that shook me because of some events that were taking place which were out of my control. I decided to keep them, but never watch them. However, for some reason I decided tonight to relive parts of the past.

As I watched every single video, along with thoughts of “I can’t believe I made all these editing mistakes!”, I relived something I still feel strongly today: Passion. These videos are of the worst quality. But I could still see the mark I left on each of them, which was passion to get a message across. And that message was always one that led to knowing Jesus. I do not know what doors God will open in the future or when, but I do know this: God has never lied. God has given me purpose. God is in control. Its not about me. Its about Him. John 3:30.

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