For the past 30 minutes I have put off writing a word. My screen has been blank, mostly because I don’t know how to write what I really want to say half the time. The other side of it is I believe nobody cares what I write, so whats the point on even trying? I don’t know if anyone reads what I have to say. Often times I remain silent. Sometimes it feels heavy, but I still never say a word about it.
Then there are times like this one where I try a little…
I love photography, no doubt. Duh. I strive to get the image I see in my head. Sometimes resulting in uncomfortable positions and risk being a distraction. I’ve done it enough to where I don’t care how ridiculous I look at times. Heck, I’ve criss crossed over a group of men praying to get the shot I was looking for. But I must admit the biggest struggle that I still have to fight with is to not believe that what I do doesn’t count. Who cares that this is what I love to do? And does God care?
But who am I really doing this for? I have to remind myself that it is always for an audience of one. More times than none I feel that God is the only one who can see just the hard work that I put into this and loves and appreciates me for it. So I keep getting back up and creating. With 2016 being a transitional year for me personally and spiritually, all I said above has been the struggle that came with it.
With that being said, the transition is far from over. Towards the end of 2016, I was having a heavy stirring inside of me. Most have known I worked retail full time. It has been a blessing in many area’s but also a curse at times. However, I was feeling really deep about it around November. I was facing stresses which were not the same as they usually were. I felt a “push.” I was praying and praying all the time for God to help me live for Him in this circumstance that had been going on too long and for God to just get me through it and hurry up with it! It was a constant trust that I was forced to practice daily, living second so Jesus could be first in my life. Then out of the blue, on a day I never expected a thing ( which is a first, cause I at this point I was expecting God to finally change something in the pace of my life and was looking for it daily, but funny I never thought of it on this day ) I received a phone call. I was at work and didn’t feel my butt vibrate until maybe 10 minutes later I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and saw someone from Florida had left a voicemail. “Oh look, a telemarketer from Florida left me a voicemail.” So I walk to the backroom of our store to listen to it. “Hey Erin…” my first thought was, “Creepy. This telemarketer knows my name.” Continued voicemail, “This is Kyle at First Lavaca…” Ohh!!!Okay. Wait, who gave him my number? I had these confusing thoughts going through my head as to why the Worship Pastor at church would be calling me. Since I no longer have the voicemail on my phone, to sum it up he wanted me to call him back. But I couldn’t call him back until my next 15 minute break which wasn’t until 20 more minutes. So for 20 minutes I was confused as to why I had gotten this phone call. Once I could finally go on break and call Kyle back I did. And the result of that phone call had me sitting in an office chair (which was not my office by the way ) in complete shock and red faced for almost an entire hour. Then two hours later I went to a Christmas party with other co-workers keeping a heavy secret inside of me.
Waiting three weeks to know the final answer, then another two weeks to finally get the ball rolling, and only mentioning to certain people here and there. Well, God had finally opened the door to serve as Media Assistant at my church at First Baptist Church in Lavaca. 4 and a half years of growing in Christ but also it feeling like pain at times had finally brought me into a place where I believe I can do something with the gifts God has given me. I am still transitioning , however, looking at where I was blogging this time last year I can now see the events lining up that brought me to this place today.
The past 2 winter months have been very slow months for me, as they often are. But being that I am not in retail full time as I previously have been, I am beginning to experience the “want” to get myself out more to create images again. I’ve done a few here and there. But there have been plenty of times where I passed up great opportunities once getting home from work. And truly, just feeling tired and lack of motivation at the end of the day. School has been hit hard as well, as I have been terribly behind on my work. I have managed to catch up some. I am very close to finishing which has been leaving me nervous.
Being that I am feeling more of the need to get my camera out more, I took a risk yesterday evening when taking the picture shown above. I went to the cemetery. You’d be surprised just how many pictures I have taken in a cemetery in the past and this one I have visited multiple times, however, never at night. Except this one time. I was on the edge of the bluff and couldn’t get my positioning corrected. I’ll just say it: I almost fell off the bluff. See that water? Train track right below it! It would freak my mother out, also, that I hadn’t told anyone I was going to be doing this. Not even her. This isn’t the first time I’ve done something risky yet stupid to get a shot and I don’t recommend it. And I do not want to be in a cemetery, alone, and night again.
This isn’t final, as I said I am transitioning, and it will depend on where I will be at coming Spring. I am considering another Theme Shoot during April-May time period, though I am not giving out details just yet. I have revealed on my Facebook page the possibility of bringing back a second Red Riding Hood to meet the One Year mark of that Shoot. Still in the thinking stages.
I am also letting my hair grow out again.